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Why am I doing this why?
Here follows my list of fiction kinks thing, as in things that are somewhat instrumental to my enjoyment of fic (and original fiction also really). I hope it makes you laugh. At me, obviously.
Oh boy.
- People wearing clothes. I've explained this before and it is largely to do with the fact that I don't think much of the way people look when they're not wearing clothes. Or more significantly that I find it inherently comic, which generally ruins the moment. But it's not just that characters have to be, by default, quite well dressed lest they be nudisome instead. Their being fairly fully dressed in, primarily, overcoats and suits and ties and COLLARS, is very much great in itself. Uniforms are also perfectly acceptable. T-shirts are not. I don't think I've ever imagined a character in a t-shirt even in head-fic. And there will ideally be interacting with the clothes, as with the balloons. There will not be much in the way of disrobing. There can be removal of ties, jackets, spectacles and shoes (but not socks), unbuttoning of the top two buttons and rolling up of shirtsleeves to the beginnign of the elbow but not above it. The removals and unbuttonings are best done by a second party. The jackets will be hung up on hangers if the owner of said jackets thinks it important.
- People not getting physically intimate. I actually can't really read scenes in which characters of whom I'm fond do the whole getting physically intimate thing. I KNOW. I'm sorry. I do think erotic writing is a bit of an oxymoron really. I'm trying to work out if I can contentedly read about kissing even. Oh. I think I can actually. But anything involving nudiness is obviously going to be fairly not on. I prefer doors to close in front of me. This is not to say that a total absence of touching is anything like what I'm after. I wholeheartedly approve of embracement, neologisms, the draping of arms over shoulders, people sitting elbow to elbow, heads in laps, pushing hair out of eyes, feeding people unromantically, checking foreheads for fever etc.
- A slightly more conventional one. I think probably the last few touching kinks gave this away – hurt/comfort. Since I was about nine, I think. I don't write it overtly because I don't think I could write it well. I think it's incredibly difficult to write it well and overtly; mostly it looks like it was written for people who like reading hurt/comfort. Which is not in the least bit a problem, but I would feel self-indulgent writing it. I do write it in my head. Often. Very often. Male/male hurt comfort and much more than slash; not that it can't turn into slash. But I'll not write it down, because it's never going to be sufficiently polished. It's just for me.
- Re. checking foreheads for fever. Particularly great if there is no fever present because then there is the frowning and the asking what's really the matter.
- Headaches. Way-hey. Sorry. Are kinks lists better if you don't apologise for them?
- Insomnia.
- Trembling.
- People using crutches. I don't know. Leave me alone. At least I didn't admit to having a slight thing for fictional naval floggings.
- Bother.
- Breathlessness. I'd rather it was induced by a chest infection. As opposed to sex.
- Quite well administered bandages on parts of the body that can be seen without the need to remove suits. It's really strange, the urge to add to a list of things that make people point at you.
- People being impatient to take medication that they're not allowed to have for another hour. I don't understand this one either.
- Re. the bandages. It's fairly important that they are fastened with short strips of elastoplast, and not with safety pins or with reef knots.
- A person leaning over to fasten another person's seatbelt in a car. Kirk does this for Spock in the novelisation of The Final Frontier, by the way. That's what started it.
- Things not happening. Very much linked to people not getting physically intimate, but mostly it's about metaphor and substitution. Examples: people touching things that other people have recently touched. People breathing in other people's cigarette smoke. Deliberate touching made to look accidental sort of comes into this as well.
- Beads of perspiration on foreheads. Not for rude reasons, naturally.
- People sleeping in offices. OH MY. This is a great one. I love this one a lot. People sleeping in the middle of the day on the couches they have in their offices. And wearing their suits of course. When I say people, fic-wise I'm afraid I do mostly mean men. Pretty much wholly men. Are men a kink in themselves? Add them mentally if they are. Sleeping in their offices. And people looking in through the door and asking if they're all right and them being grumpy and saying they're dandy and to please go away, and then someone else looks in and the same thing happens and then eventually some equally grumpy paternal head of office figure with whom they've not been on best terms recently can come in and talk to them quietly and there can be angsty but begrudging forgiveness.
- People sleeping under other people's coats.
- Grumpy paternal figures.
- People eating unwillingly. Not in a being tortured way. Just being convinced to eat and not actually wanting to because they don't think they deserve to have food. Oh dear.
- The following general character traits (that I can't be bothered bolding individually): people being a bit cross with other people as a displacement thing when they're actually very cross with themselves; self-loathing (that's the stuff); gruff, grouchy altruism.
- I actually think on some occasions I have a slight thing for people smoking cigars, but probably only when it has a faint whiff of masochism behind it.
- The Viennese Waltz.
Probably I should leave it there for now.
Yes.
Oh boy.
- People wearing clothes. I've explained this before and it is largely to do with the fact that I don't think much of the way people look when they're not wearing clothes. Or more significantly that I find it inherently comic, which generally ruins the moment. But it's not just that characters have to be, by default, quite well dressed lest they be nudisome instead. Their being fairly fully dressed in, primarily, overcoats and suits and ties and COLLARS, is very much great in itself. Uniforms are also perfectly acceptable. T-shirts are not. I don't think I've ever imagined a character in a t-shirt even in head-fic. And there will ideally be interacting with the clothes, as with the balloons. There will not be much in the way of disrobing. There can be removal of ties, jackets, spectacles and shoes (but not socks), unbuttoning of the top two buttons and rolling up of shirtsleeves to the beginnign of the elbow but not above it. The removals and unbuttonings are best done by a second party. The jackets will be hung up on hangers if the owner of said jackets thinks it important.
- People not getting physically intimate. I actually can't really read scenes in which characters of whom I'm fond do the whole getting physically intimate thing. I KNOW. I'm sorry. I do think erotic writing is a bit of an oxymoron really. I'm trying to work out if I can contentedly read about kissing even. Oh. I think I can actually. But anything involving nudiness is obviously going to be fairly not on. I prefer doors to close in front of me. This is not to say that a total absence of touching is anything like what I'm after. I wholeheartedly approve of embracement, neologisms, the draping of arms over shoulders, people sitting elbow to elbow, heads in laps, pushing hair out of eyes, feeding people unromantically, checking foreheads for fever etc.
- A slightly more conventional one. I think probably the last few touching kinks gave this away – hurt/comfort. Since I was about nine, I think. I don't write it overtly because I don't think I could write it well. I think it's incredibly difficult to write it well and overtly; mostly it looks like it was written for people who like reading hurt/comfort. Which is not in the least bit a problem, but I would feel self-indulgent writing it. I do write it in my head. Often. Very often. Male/male hurt comfort and much more than slash; not that it can't turn into slash. But I'll not write it down, because it's never going to be sufficiently polished. It's just for me.
- Re. checking foreheads for fever. Particularly great if there is no fever present because then there is the frowning and the asking what's really the matter.
- Headaches. Way-hey. Sorry. Are kinks lists better if you don't apologise for them?
- Insomnia.
- Trembling.
- People using crutches. I don't know. Leave me alone. At least I didn't admit to having a slight thing for fictional naval floggings.
- Bother.
- Breathlessness. I'd rather it was induced by a chest infection. As opposed to sex.
- Quite well administered bandages on parts of the body that can be seen without the need to remove suits. It's really strange, the urge to add to a list of things that make people point at you.
- People being impatient to take medication that they're not allowed to have for another hour. I don't understand this one either.
- Re. the bandages. It's fairly important that they are fastened with short strips of elastoplast, and not with safety pins or with reef knots.
- A person leaning over to fasten another person's seatbelt in a car. Kirk does this for Spock in the novelisation of The Final Frontier, by the way. That's what started it.
- Things not happening. Very much linked to people not getting physically intimate, but mostly it's about metaphor and substitution. Examples: people touching things that other people have recently touched. People breathing in other people's cigarette smoke. Deliberate touching made to look accidental sort of comes into this as well.
- Beads of perspiration on foreheads. Not for rude reasons, naturally.
- People sleeping in offices. OH MY. This is a great one. I love this one a lot. People sleeping in the middle of the day on the couches they have in their offices. And wearing their suits of course. When I say people, fic-wise I'm afraid I do mostly mean men. Pretty much wholly men. Are men a kink in themselves? Add them mentally if they are. Sleeping in their offices. And people looking in through the door and asking if they're all right and them being grumpy and saying they're dandy and to please go away, and then someone else looks in and the same thing happens and then eventually some equally grumpy paternal head of office figure with whom they've not been on best terms recently can come in and talk to them quietly and there can be angsty but begrudging forgiveness.
- People sleeping under other people's coats.
- Grumpy paternal figures.
- People eating unwillingly. Not in a being tortured way. Just being convinced to eat and not actually wanting to because they don't think they deserve to have food. Oh dear.
- The following general character traits (that I can't be bothered bolding individually): people being a bit cross with other people as a displacement thing when they're actually very cross with themselves; self-loathing (that's the stuff); gruff, grouchy altruism.
- I actually think on some occasions I have a slight thing for people smoking cigars, but probably only when it has a faint whiff of masochism behind it.
- The Viennese Waltz.
Probably I should leave it there for now.
Yes.
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and for all of series four, yes, I should make that clear, no, ignore the strike, it really is only in fic although IT IS OBVIOUSLY GOING ON in series four but not on screen, but yes, he does do it ALL THE TIME IN MY HEAD and generally he only lets himself eat gruel. OH I LOVE THEM.OH GOD SOLDIERS WALTZING! OH OH OH! Oh. Dude. That! Yes! Oh. Well done, soldiers, yay:):):):)
And also there is because the coat smells of Blake, so Avon sleeps better than he would otherwise. Possibly there are other names in there but really. Oh. I love ever so.
Have you seen the bit of Boston Legal where they dance? Boston Legal cheats a bit by being a bit like that and therefore it not being as special, but it is still Captain Kirk dancing in an office and therefore wins a bit for me. Tis here.
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Please show me fic where Avon doesn't want to eat and Blake makes him eat because that would make me very happy. Don't show my mother's fic because that would be a tiny bit odd.
Currently I am trying to write Cee's deranged fic about Sparrow and Norrington and Simon and Garfunkel. HELP. But when I've done that, I'll try and do the M*A*S*H one for you. M*A*S*H is comparatively very easy to write. It's such a good and winning fandom.
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