Why am I doing this why?
Dec. 20th, 2006 10:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whathoHere follows my list of fiction kinks thing, as in things that are somewhat instrumental to my enjoyment of fic (and original fiction also really). I hope it makes you laugh. At me, obviously.
Oh boy.
- People wearing clothes. I've explained this before and it is largely to do with the fact that I don't think much of the way people look when they're not wearing clothes. Or more significantly that I find it inherently comic, which generally ruins the moment. But it's not just that characters have to be, by default, quite well dressed lest they be nudisome instead. Their being fairly fully dressed in, primarily, overcoats and suits and ties and COLLARS, is very much great in itself. Uniforms are also perfectly acceptable. T-shirts are not. I don't think I've ever imagined a character in a t-shirt even in head-fic. And there will ideally be interacting with the clothes, as with the balloons. There will not be much in the way of disrobing. There can be removal of ties, jackets, spectacles and shoes (but not socks), unbuttoning of the top two buttons and rolling up of shirtsleeves to the beginnign of the elbow but not above it. The removals and unbuttonings are best done by a second party. The jackets will be hung up on hangers if the owner of said jackets thinks it important.
- People not getting physically intimate. I actually can't really read scenes in which characters of whom I'm fond do the whole getting physically intimate thing. I KNOW. I'm sorry. I do think erotic writing is a bit of an oxymoron really. I'm trying to work out if I can contentedly read about kissing even. Oh. I think I can actually. But anything involving nudiness is obviously going to be fairly not on. I prefer doors to close in front of me. This is not to say that a total absence of touching is anything like what I'm after. I wholeheartedly approve of embracement, neologisms, the draping of arms over shoulders, people sitting elbow to elbow, heads in laps, pushing hair out of eyes, feeding people unromantically, checking foreheads for fever etc.
- A slightly more conventional one. I think probably the last few touching kinks gave this away – hurt/comfort. Since I was about nine, I think. I don't write it overtly because I don't think I could write it well. I think it's incredibly difficult to write it well and overtly; mostly it looks like it was written for people who like reading hurt/comfort. Which is not in the least bit a problem, but I would feel self-indulgent writing it. I do write it in my head. Often. Very often. Male/male hurt comfort and much more than slash; not that it can't turn into slash. But I'll not write it down, because it's never going to be sufficiently polished. It's just for me.
- Re. checking foreheads for fever. Particularly great if there is no fever present because then there is the frowning and the asking what's really the matter.
- Headaches. Way-hey. Sorry. Are kinks lists better if you don't apologise for them?
- Insomnia.
- Trembling.
- People using crutches. I don't know. Leave me alone. At least I didn't admit to having a slight thing for fictional naval floggings.
- Bother.
- Breathlessness. I'd rather it was induced by a chest infection. As opposed to sex.
- Quite well administered bandages on parts of the body that can be seen without the need to remove suits. It's really strange, the urge to add to a list of things that make people point at you.
- People being impatient to take medication that they're not allowed to have for another hour. I don't understand this one either.
- Re. the bandages. It's fairly important that they are fastened with short strips of elastoplast, and not with safety pins or with reef knots.
- A person leaning over to fasten another person's seatbelt in a car. Kirk does this for Spock in the novelisation of The Final Frontier, by the way. That's what started it.
- Things not happening. Very much linked to people not getting physically intimate, but mostly it's about metaphor and substitution. Examples: people touching things that other people have recently touched. People breathing in other people's cigarette smoke. Deliberate touching made to look accidental sort of comes into this as well.
- Beads of perspiration on foreheads. Not for rude reasons, naturally.
- People sleeping in offices. OH MY. This is a great one. I love this one a lot. People sleeping in the middle of the day on the couches they have in their offices. And wearing their suits of course. When I say people, fic-wise I'm afraid I do mostly mean men. Pretty much wholly men. Are men a kink in themselves? Add them mentally if they are. Sleeping in their offices. And people looking in through the door and asking if they're all right and them being grumpy and saying they're dandy and to please go away, and then someone else looks in and the same thing happens and then eventually some equally grumpy paternal head of office figure with whom they've not been on best terms recently can come in and talk to them quietly and there can be angsty but begrudging forgiveness.
- People sleeping under other people's coats.
- Grumpy paternal figures.
- People eating unwillingly. Not in a being tortured way. Just being convinced to eat and not actually wanting to because they don't think they deserve to have food. Oh dear.
- The following general character traits (that I can't be bothered bolding individually): people being a bit cross with other people as a displacement thing when they're actually very cross with themselves; self-loathing (that's the stuff); gruff, grouchy altruism.
- I actually think on some occasions I have a slight thing for people smoking cigars, but probably only when it has a faint whiff of masochism behind it.
- The Viennese Waltz.
Probably I should leave it there for now.
Yes.
Oh boy.
- People wearing clothes. I've explained this before and it is largely to do with the fact that I don't think much of the way people look when they're not wearing clothes. Or more significantly that I find it inherently comic, which generally ruins the moment. But it's not just that characters have to be, by default, quite well dressed lest they be nudisome instead. Their being fairly fully dressed in, primarily, overcoats and suits and ties and COLLARS, is very much great in itself. Uniforms are also perfectly acceptable. T-shirts are not. I don't think I've ever imagined a character in a t-shirt even in head-fic. And there will ideally be interacting with the clothes, as with the balloons. There will not be much in the way of disrobing. There can be removal of ties, jackets, spectacles and shoes (but not socks), unbuttoning of the top two buttons and rolling up of shirtsleeves to the beginnign of the elbow but not above it. The removals and unbuttonings are best done by a second party. The jackets will be hung up on hangers if the owner of said jackets thinks it important.
- People not getting physically intimate. I actually can't really read scenes in which characters of whom I'm fond do the whole getting physically intimate thing. I KNOW. I'm sorry. I do think erotic writing is a bit of an oxymoron really. I'm trying to work out if I can contentedly read about kissing even. Oh. I think I can actually. But anything involving nudiness is obviously going to be fairly not on. I prefer doors to close in front of me. This is not to say that a total absence of touching is anything like what I'm after. I wholeheartedly approve of embracement, neologisms, the draping of arms over shoulders, people sitting elbow to elbow, heads in laps, pushing hair out of eyes, feeding people unromantically, checking foreheads for fever etc.
- A slightly more conventional one. I think probably the last few touching kinks gave this away – hurt/comfort. Since I was about nine, I think. I don't write it overtly because I don't think I could write it well. I think it's incredibly difficult to write it well and overtly; mostly it looks like it was written for people who like reading hurt/comfort. Which is not in the least bit a problem, but I would feel self-indulgent writing it. I do write it in my head. Often. Very often. Male/male hurt comfort and much more than slash; not that it can't turn into slash. But I'll not write it down, because it's never going to be sufficiently polished. It's just for me.
- Re. checking foreheads for fever. Particularly great if there is no fever present because then there is the frowning and the asking what's really the matter.
- Headaches. Way-hey. Sorry. Are kinks lists better if you don't apologise for them?
- Insomnia.
- Trembling.
- People using crutches. I don't know. Leave me alone. At least I didn't admit to having a slight thing for fictional naval floggings.
- Bother.
- Breathlessness. I'd rather it was induced by a chest infection. As opposed to sex.
- Quite well administered bandages on parts of the body that can be seen without the need to remove suits. It's really strange, the urge to add to a list of things that make people point at you.
- People being impatient to take medication that they're not allowed to have for another hour. I don't understand this one either.
- Re. the bandages. It's fairly important that they are fastened with short strips of elastoplast, and not with safety pins or with reef knots.
- A person leaning over to fasten another person's seatbelt in a car. Kirk does this for Spock in the novelisation of The Final Frontier, by the way. That's what started it.
- Things not happening. Very much linked to people not getting physically intimate, but mostly it's about metaphor and substitution. Examples: people touching things that other people have recently touched. People breathing in other people's cigarette smoke. Deliberate touching made to look accidental sort of comes into this as well.
- Beads of perspiration on foreheads. Not for rude reasons, naturally.
- People sleeping in offices. OH MY. This is a great one. I love this one a lot. People sleeping in the middle of the day on the couches they have in their offices. And wearing their suits of course. When I say people, fic-wise I'm afraid I do mostly mean men. Pretty much wholly men. Are men a kink in themselves? Add them mentally if they are. Sleeping in their offices. And people looking in through the door and asking if they're all right and them being grumpy and saying they're dandy and to please go away, and then someone else looks in and the same thing happens and then eventually some equally grumpy paternal head of office figure with whom they've not been on best terms recently can come in and talk to them quietly and there can be angsty but begrudging forgiveness.
- People sleeping under other people's coats.
- Grumpy paternal figures.
- People eating unwillingly. Not in a being tortured way. Just being convinced to eat and not actually wanting to because they don't think they deserve to have food. Oh dear.
- The following general character traits (that I can't be bothered bolding individually): people being a bit cross with other people as a displacement thing when they're actually very cross with themselves; self-loathing (that's the stuff); gruff, grouchy altruism.
- I actually think on some occasions I have a slight thing for people smoking cigars, but probably only when it has a faint whiff of masochism behind it.
- The Viennese Waltz.
Probably I should leave it there for now.
Yes.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-12-20 11:38 pm (UTC)And breathing in other people's smoke. Not smock. No. That is less pleasant. But smoke. OH.
And people sleeping under other people's coats and most especially having the person's coat laid on them. And and and blankets that are warm from
Blake'ssomeone else's body OH GOD I LOVE BLANKETS THAT ARE WARM FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S BODY. OH.Also it's great when there isn't a fever because it means they can check for it AGAIN AND AGAIN. Actually that's okay even if they do have a fever because it means that they check to see if it's changed, but if it isn't there then it's clearly more about caressing masquerading as medical treatment which is GREAT:):):):):):)
There is a bit in the persuaders where Tony Curtis and Roger Moore sit on a couch at opposite ends, both with their feet up and their arms draped over each other's feet, smoking cigars and drinking and BEING BEAUTIFUL and it nearly kills me. It's possible that has nothing to do with your flist, but i just watched it happen and I LOVE IT SO MUCH, oh, also you said about people being allowed to touch and they sit so casually and also smoke cigars and basically the whole thing is about your list actually so I need not apologise. Usually there are millions of it on g-images but now I can only find this one but it has a glass on Tony Curtis as a BONUS. Good. Um. Sorry. Pls remember that MOST of this comment was still love for your kinks.
Oh men should waltz together, they really should, they're allowed to touch that way but are too busy to do sex, also they are wearing suits and OH THEY SHOULD WALTZ.
I love your list. More lists should be great.
Also you were asking those other poeple for fic to write and frankly they were all dreadful because none of them explained that you should write mash fic WHICH YOU SHOULD and you could have Trapper be all sleepy and tired and OH I LOVE WHEN HE IS TIRED and then Hawkeye can look after him and put him under his dressing gown because they don't have coats. And there can be bandages and a possible fever and then they can waltz. OH MASH IS A BEAUTIFUL FANDOM.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 10:42 am (UTC)People tasting of milk is fine. Why do people have issues with this? I think those people are quite sick in their heads. Milk features quite a lot as well actually. Or not so much milk as Horlicks, but you know.
OH ARCHIE. He does the not deserving to eat thing so very well and there is the beastly man who encourages him and then Hornblower gets all snappy with desperation and tells him he WILL eat, and then he feeds him and oh. It's too great. Avon does it? Perhaps I really will watch Blake's 7 properly now.
Having the coat laid on them, yes. This is a fine addition. While they're actually sleeping, and then eventually they wake up and say 'Whose coat is this?' and then someone else tells them and they think 'Oh, he loves me so'. That's how it goes.
I LOVE THAT PICTURE. There should be much more of this type of thing.
Men waltzing is so great. One of the things I decide I should submit to the Turner Prize would be five minutes of soldiers waltzing together with no explanation. I think soldiers waltzing is great because they drill to a waltz rhythm, so really it's only natural. But men waltzing in suits in office would be JOYOUS too.
I came up with another one last night as well. I was hoping very much that writing my kinks list before sleeping would make me dream mostly of all of these things happening together, but it didn't. Mostly I was in a sort of military academy and refusing to march. But there was a man randomly and unexpectedly playing a musical instrument really well. That used to happen in The Bill... DC Grieg would occasionally put his feet up on the desk and produce a clarinet. It was wondrous. I want more people in offices to randomly produce musical instruments and play them very well.
Also I think I should just add offices to the list.
M*A*S*H is so good at supplying me with all my worldly needs. Tired people and unavailable people and father figures and bandages and collars and waltzing. It's such a beauteous fandom. It's so accomodating. I really actually might write that. Thank you. Hurrah.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 02:23 pm (UTC)and for all of series four, yes, I should make that clear, no, ignore the strike, it really is only in fic although IT IS OBVIOUSLY GOING ON in series four but not on screen, but yes, he does do it ALL THE TIME IN MY HEAD and generally he only lets himself eat gruel. OH I LOVE THEM.OH GOD SOLDIERS WALTZING! OH OH OH! Oh. Dude. That! Yes! Oh. Well done, soldiers, yay:):):):)
And also there is because the coat smells of Blake, so Avon sleeps better than he would otherwise. Possibly there are other names in there but really. Oh. I love ever so.
Have you seen the bit of Boston Legal where they dance? Boston Legal cheats a bit by being a bit like that and therefore it not being as special, but it is still Captain Kirk dancing in an office and therefore wins a bit for me. Tis here.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 04:02 pm (UTC)Please show me fic where Avon doesn't want to eat and Blake makes him eat because that would make me very happy. Don't show my mother's fic because that would be a tiny bit odd.
Currently I am trying to write Cee's deranged fic about Sparrow and Norrington and Simon and Garfunkel. HELP. But when I've done that, I'll try and do the M*A*S*H one for you. M*A*S*H is comparatively very easy to write. It's such a good and winning fandom.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 04:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 04:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 05:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 06:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-20 11:46 pm (UTC)ALSO: trembling is beautiful. I love it very.
ALSO: in Midnight Cowboy, Dustin Hoffman takes off Jon Voight's shoes while he sleeps. I DO NOT THINK I WILL EVER GET OVER THAT. Yes.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 10:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 10:19 am (UTC)With you on the bandages thing. Quite keen on people having colds and needing to be fussed over slightly, too.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 10:47 am (UTC)Bandages, yes. I suppose I mean on the hands and wrists really, because the only other unsuited area is the head, and I don't want bandaging to get in the way of the hair. OR OR OR... people can have their rubs bandaged under their shirts. That's the only way I will allow unbuttoning of more than the top two buttons. For admiration of the bandages. Sigh.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 06:59 pm (UTC)Oh, this list is strangely intimate. I don't remember Jekesta's list of sexy kinky sex kinks striking me as so personal, somehow. Dude! These are great kinks. Waltzing! Seatbelts! Insomnia, trembling and headaches! Breathlessness! I myself seem to have a slight Thing for people touching other people's sternums and feeling their heartbeat. Any context, that does it for me. It shames me somewhat but there you go.
I wonder if there is anyone in the world who doesn't secretly quite like h/c fic?
characters have to be, by default, quite well dressed lest they be nudisome instead
YOU WIN. ♥
no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 09:06 pm (UTC)I also assume everyone pretty much knots up in a faintly beautiful way at hurt/comfort. It basically everything I'm looking for in a piece of fiction, moreso than slash, but I could never write it properly, on a screen type thing. It be strange. BUT SO GREAT. But strange to talk about out loud. I don't know. How much oddness.
Ooh, sternums. Sternums... sternae... you're a medical person, you much know Latin... but I think they're off bounds for me unless they remain beneath shirts. But people touching sternums THROUGH SHIRTS, TINIAGO. Can there be anything better?
I think mostly not.
Do not be shamed.