Hiding in the middle of the day.
Oct. 4th, 2010 12:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whathoOff work today, due to other people's complicated home-lives rather than lurgy, ergo I'm faffing about on LJ. Lurgy-wise, I'm using a nasal spray to combat my vile sinuses, and it's pretty exciting on the whole for a given value of exciting. Basically it makes my head feel empty. More so than usual. I'm also attempting to combat fatigue with exercise, which really hurts but sort of helps, even if it's just because it makes me feel I have a reason to be fatigued.
The main point of my post is the main point of my every other post, which is that my lack of an independent identity is starting to frighten me. Also it shames me. I'm fundamentally very unhappy, basically, which is fine, it's just a thing, it doesn't mean I don't have day-to-day happy moments, but I'm sort of quietly aware that I'd be much happier if I lived with my parents. Or more to the point if they still lived with me. But as well as being happier I think I'd also feel essentially sort of wrong and broken and a massive failure, like, moreso, and mostly I'm thinking I should've made an effort to develop a happy way of being that didn't involve being parented. Because that isn't really sustainable in the long term. If I'd realised that (or, you know, admitted that - I'm dim but technically I've always been aware of the aging process) in my youth I could've done something clever along the lines of moving out or having an enjoyable career plan. Also I wonder if I'd have a happier picture of my future if it didn't look so solitary. Even in my teens, when I knew I'd be expected to grow-up and stop being a child and undergo change and similarly distasteful things, I was jealous of my parents, because they had each other and their children and they seemed happy with that and there weren't any societal expectations on them to pack up and leave all that and find a new way of being. EVEN IF THEY SUBSEQUENTLY DID. Then again, if I had more people around me that'd be more variables to consider, and I'm not a fan of variables. Also other people in my life would basically just be substitute parents, and they'd probably not enjoy that. It'd be more ideal if I could be happy with me, and just me, and only me forever. Sadly I think I'm slightly rub.
(Mostly this dismal line of thought came about from my trying to deduce why adults wearing kids' clothes makes me cringe. Turns out it's because they're a METAPHOR FOR ME, shock horror.)
Then this morning I had a horrible dream about a woman hanging her three children in a toilet cubicle. I failed to intervene because I was hiding in the adjacent cubicle (but I could still see everything that was going on because it was a dream and I was omnipresent - go me), so I was trying to work out what to say to the police. I'd just settled on 'It's only a dream so it doesn't really matter' when I woke up. Dreams are so petulant.
Anyway. That's my mind. Now I'm going to try and do some writing. Later I'm going on a mission to find some cake. I feel I've been overly abstemious.
The main point of my post is the main point of my every other post, which is that my lack of an independent identity is starting to frighten me. Also it shames me. I'm fundamentally very unhappy, basically, which is fine, it's just a thing, it doesn't mean I don't have day-to-day happy moments, but I'm sort of quietly aware that I'd be much happier if I lived with my parents. Or more to the point if they still lived with me. But as well as being happier I think I'd also feel essentially sort of wrong and broken and a massive failure, like, moreso, and mostly I'm thinking I should've made an effort to develop a happy way of being that didn't involve being parented. Because that isn't really sustainable in the long term. If I'd realised that (or, you know, admitted that - I'm dim but technically I've always been aware of the aging process) in my youth I could've done something clever along the lines of moving out or having an enjoyable career plan. Also I wonder if I'd have a happier picture of my future if it didn't look so solitary. Even in my teens, when I knew I'd be expected to grow-up and stop being a child and undergo change and similarly distasteful things, I was jealous of my parents, because they had each other and their children and they seemed happy with that and there weren't any societal expectations on them to pack up and leave all that and find a new way of being. EVEN IF THEY SUBSEQUENTLY DID. Then again, if I had more people around me that'd be more variables to consider, and I'm not a fan of variables. Also other people in my life would basically just be substitute parents, and they'd probably not enjoy that. It'd be more ideal if I could be happy with me, and just me, and only me forever. Sadly I think I'm slightly rub.
(Mostly this dismal line of thought came about from my trying to deduce why adults wearing kids' clothes makes me cringe. Turns out it's because they're a METAPHOR FOR ME, shock horror.)
Then this morning I had a horrible dream about a woman hanging her three children in a toilet cubicle. I failed to intervene because I was hiding in the adjacent cubicle (but I could still see everything that was going on because it was a dream and I was omnipresent - go me), so I was trying to work out what to say to the police. I'd just settled on 'It's only a dream so it doesn't really matter' when I woke up. Dreams are so petulant.
Anyway. That's my mind. Now I'm going to try and do some writing. Later I'm going on a mission to find some cake. I feel I've been overly abstemious.
