Maybe by writing about writing the post I can write the post without feeling as if I'm writing it.

[whatho]

I keep nearly writing a depressing and self-pitying post about being fairly close to my thirtieth birthday (which is fine in itself) and having an accompanying sense of total failure and non-achievement (which is what renders everything foul). I looked up 30 on Wikipedia to see if it had any helpful advice, and it said the following:

'According to Erikson, the young adult stage involves the personal need for intimacy and sex. Failure to achieve this need results in isolation, which is avoided, and as a result the young adult strives for love and compassion. After the upheaval of the early 30s, the middle to late 30s (roughly ages 34-39) are often characterized by settling down.'

I don't know who Erikson is, but I think he's a beast. I don't mind the upheaval bit though. What I didn't want to hear was that thirty-year-olds are happy and content and settled and doing so much better than you, Sam.

I really need to stop griping about my comfortable existence. It only adds guilt to my list of woes.

I don't think Younger Me would think much of Me at 29 years and 10 months, unless my geriatric cat walked into frame. Younger Me would find that surprising and cheering, and rightly so. Younger Me probably also expected Me of Today to be independent, and not to be living in my parents' house, and to have an ex and maybe a current, and a social life, and things to do of an evening, and some kind of brilliantly exciting impressive enjoyable job, and to be well-travelled and maybe, I surprise you, to have spawned. And stuff. Younger Me, to be fair, was an arse. Also there's the writing. Much Younger Me had no interest in writing, but Post-18 Me would've expected some kind of Bafta by now. Then again, Post-18 me was an idiot.

Me of Today has almost no ambition left, which is actually kind of relaxing, but the one thing I really desperately want is someone else to blame for my crapness and if it goes on much longer I may have to pick someone at random. The Wikipedia Ransomiser is my friend here.

Tony Allcock apparently. Bowls player. Bastard.

Comments

[aldenmacrae.livejournal.com]

~whisper~ Am 32. Nearly 33. And doing nothing spectacular. Your pain, it is felt by me.

May I blame Tony Allcock too?

[whatho.livejournal.com]

You did things like making a choice to move out of your home and you live independently and that sort of thing impresses me hugely. But anything wanting is certainly the fault of Tony Allcock.

[howlin-wolf-66.livejournal.com]

How can he be wanting, if he's "AllCock"?! :-)

Sorry.

I'm not far away from 30, and I too have yet to make my mark... I just keep pushing the date back, like Karl Marx did... That helps a lot! :-)

[whatho.livejournal.com]

Maybe when we hit thirty the pressure'll be off and we'll stop caring. That'll be nice. I'm not a fan of numbers.

[howlin-wolf-66.livejournal.com]

... Can't say I ever give them much thought...

Then again; I can't say I ever give ANYTHING much thought! :-D

[sabethea.livejournal.com]

Aren't you supposed to be upheaval-ing right now? Which doesn't sound like happy and content and settled? You've got till 34, as far as I can see, before you're actually expected to Be Somewhere ;-P

I always think you do lots of impressive things, incidentally, such as running a publishing company, being self-employed and finding random work like gardening, writing plays that get you invited onto Proper Playwriting Courses, and looking after geriatric cats. (And, thank heaven, not doing the Paid Work Is Everything line which troubles me greatly in people.)

Bloody Tony Allcock for making you feel like you haven't Done Great Things. *hates on him*

[whatho.livejournal.com]

I don't particularly care about being settled except that I think in many ways I'd quite enjoy it as a replacement for the settled-ness of childhood that I wholly failed to get over, but I'm a bit vexed about never having done all the pre-settling things that you need to get over and done with before you feel entitled to settle. Settle is a strange word when you've written it five times in a row. Also thank you - you're most kind. I'm very much not into the notion of Paid Work is Everything. I don't think humans were designed for full-time work.