The giant green envy beast has randomly implanted himself in my doorway.

[whatho]

There is a sense of vague disturbance at the realisation that the true answer to my friend's query about when I last did any writing is 'the day before you showed me that astonishing short story that you'd written and that I know I can never, ever improve upon'. The answer I gave him was 'three weeks ago'. Possibly he can work it out for himself.

And you do know that I've looked at all your archives to discover your fantastic A-level results and university offers, don't you? And then my gallbladder burst.

My gallbladder is actually fine. Thank you.